All Dreams End
by Glitch Smokeside
Summary: Sollux went insane after the death of the girl he loved. Five years later, and he's still haunted by her memory. He still loves her. He sees her in his dreams, and in the corners of his vision, despite the meds he put himself on to keep the crazy away. But what if.. what if he's not crazy? What if she's there, trying to tell him something? Trying to warn him..?
1. Chapter 1

" _Hey there, Sol. It's been awhile." I glanced over my shoulder to see that old beautiful smile bloom on her lovely face._

_" Hey!" I grinned because I hadn't seen her in forever, and started to approach her. " AA! It'th been, wow, too fucking long!"_

_Her grin widened and her beautiful, too big eyes crinkled happily. _

_" I know! I'm glad I got to see you this time!" She grinned._

_I stood in front of her, a full head higher because I was so tall._

_" You never grow, do you ?" I ribbed, pulling her into a big bear hug that lifted her off the ground. I breathed in her familiar scent, warm and spicy, like cinnamon, and felt the softness of her long, ebony hair._

_She hugged me back with vigor, kicking her feet up so she could knee me in the stomach playfully. I pretended it hurt and set her back down._

_" Short, but I could still kick you ass, Lispy!" I watched her hair bounce as she jumped back and forth in a mock boxer's stance, her fists held up. " Besides, I'm not short; it's you who's tall!"_

_I laughed, and she stopped jumping, smiling._

_" It's good to hear you laugh again, Sol." Her gentle smile felt like home to me, and I took a step closer, standing just before her now and gazed down into her eyes._

_" Why'th that, AA? I thmile all the time around you."_

_Her smiled slipped into that of a sadder one, and her round, dark eyes seemed to wince._

_" Yeah. I know."_

_I was confused by her sudden sullen mood, but I let it go, trying to cheer her up._

_" Hey, why don't we, I don't know, go thee a movie or thome thit?" I put a light note in my voice, and showed her a happy smile, but she stood her place, and resisted when I tugged on her hand._

_" I'm sorry, Sol."_

_I looked at her, confused. " For what, AA?"_

_She smiled again, sadder than before._

_" For this."_

_And then all around us caught afire, and blood began to pour from her empty eye sockets._

_I screamed._

I woke up with a sudden start, my body jerking me completely upright like it was spring loaded. My body was rigid and stiff, and I was so soaked in sweat it looked like I used my fucking bed as a post shower towel. My heart was trying to escape my chest with violent, pounding thumps.

I took me a minute to get ahold of myself and shut the fuck up. AA's burning, bloody body still danced in front of my eyes, but I told myself it wasn't real, and got out of bed. I walked away from my room, and felt my way to the stairs, and made my way down into the kitchen.

Goddammit. Just when I thought I gotten the right combo of medications.

Hallucinations still weren't completely gone I guess. It was fine though. A dream lasting a little into consciousness wasn't uncommon. She was gone now that I was moving and not nailed to the bed in terror.

" Goddammit, AA." I muttered under my breath, rubbing the back of my neck. I hated this. I HATED THIS.

" I'll never get peathe, will I? Not even in my fucking thleep." I sighed.

I slammed open the cabinets and poured myself a bowl of honey flakes. I poured the milk and then took the bowl of cereal into the living room. I set it down on the coffee table and turned on my PS2, grabbed the console and plopped down on the couch.

Nothing better to get over night terrors than losing all sense of time and space in the beauty of virtual reality.

And that's just what I planned to motherfucking do.

…

" Sol, what the fuck are you doing up this goddamn early?" I heard KK shuffle himself into the living room, and I glanced up from the television screen that had been my world for the last four hours, and saw my roommate's crab print underwear before I actually saw him.

" Jethus, could thothe boxerth get any brighter? I'm fucking blinded over here."

" Like those bright as highlighter fuck yellow bees on yours are any fucking better. At least mine don't fucking glow in the dark."

" Don't be jealouth, KK. It maketh you more unattractive."

He snorted, and came over to sit by me, his weight plopping down on my right. He watched my play in silence for a few moments, and from his the building tension in his demeanor, I knew he was going to ask about something.

" Another nightmare?"

And there it was.

I pressed the secret combo attack, square, circle, square, triangle, triangle, square, ex.

" Yeah."

He nodded, and scooted closer to me, and I felt him throw his arm over my shoulders.

The weight felt good. And it somehow relieved the tension in my shoulders. I paused my game, and let my head dip with a soft sigh as he began to rub small circles on my back.

KK guided me down to the floor, and I left him sit behind me, in my seat. He began rubbing my shoulders. Smooth and strong. It felt fucking amazing, and I felt my stress start to dissipate.

KK was seriously the best bro ever.

" It feelth great."

KK grunted. I took that as a confirmation that he'd heard me.

" Theriously. It doeth help."

KK was quiet for a second.

" I thought they fixed your fucking pills?" He muttered. " The fucking nightmares were supposed to stop. That's what they said, wasn't it?"

" Yeah. Gueth they fucked it up again." I sighed. " I'll go to the doctor'th tomorrow. Again." I just didn't have the energy to do it today. I needed to get to work soon, and after that I had some errands to run. And besides.

" It'th cuth it'th coming up. Her death anniverthary." I explained, not that KK fucking needed to hear it to know. Not that any of our friends were unaware of what the date was three days from now.

KK was quiet, unsure what to say.

" Don't be thuch a downer, KK. It'th not like I'm going to go off mythelf out of grief. I thurvived before, I'll thurvive now." I pulled away from the couch and got to my feet before picking up the empty bowl and spoon and heading back into he kitchen. I tossed them in the sink and headed back upstairs, to my room.

I liked my room. It had everything I needed. It was spacious, despite the three computers I had jammed together in the corner and a giant king sized bed on the other side of the room. The carpet was a dark shade of navy, and the walls were a cream color meant to resemble white but without the fucking blindness that came when light hit them. There were windows on two sides, but I had black out drapes covering them, so I could work with less distractions. I had a dresser filled with spare computer parts in the drawers instead of my clothes, which were scattered on the ground.

I worked from here. Businesses and individuals hired me to monitor their online affairs. My jobs ranged from monitoring firewalls and security programs to coding new programs for corporations who wanted to make sure the protection they bought was worth its salt by being brand new never used before. Honestly, I liked doing it. Not only did it pay extremely well, it was a challenge, which kept my mind busy and off other things.

I sat down in my old reclining office chair, and opened up my computers to begin working. Today was an unexciting day because I'd finished one particular client's coding wishes, and was going to send them the program, After that, I'd open up and watch my usual faire of work: monitoring.

I sent the program to the client, and then on my personal laptop with a separate wifi to protect me from my fellow hackers, I check my bank account and was pleased to see the amount had been paid in full. Programs took forever to code, but the payout was worth the month of torment.

On my work computers I pulled up my clienteles' stuff and leaned back in my chair to watch. Literally. This was all my job of fifty bucks and hour per client required of me. Watching my goddamn computer screens.

But because that could get boring as all fuck with the span of oh, say, ten seconds, I had written up a program for myself that monitored all this shit for me. All I really had to do was listen for any alarms or beeps that were designed to let me know of unusual activity or glitches.

So when I wasn't coding, my job consisted of listening for beeps.

Pretty fucking sweet deal, if I do say so myself. And I do.

I left the workstation of a corner and went over to my bed. The sheets still looked damp and mussed up. It could've been worse. I'd had nightmares before that made me piss the bed. On reflection, last night's nightmare wasn't so bad.

I tore the sheets off the mattress and tossed them in the hamper. KK would do laundry later. It was his chore. I paid rent, he did housework. It worked between us. Thankfully it was summer, so I didn't have a heavy blanket that would have to be washed too.

I sat on the bare mattress, and glanced at my pillow. I reached my hand beneath it, and pulled out what I always kept under it.

I missed her. A hell of a lot. It was a constant kind missing, that even after five years hadn't gone away. I felt like a house plant that hadn't been watered, but somehow refused to die. Caught in that place of longing between full life and the brink of death. That tipsy edge had been home to me ever since the accident. But more often than not, I wished something would give me the final push I needed. In either direction. Any direction. Just to get me off the perilous edge that I lingered on.

I held the framed photo between my fingers. Our faces, just her and me. I felt a small grin creep onto my face. We looked so dorky. So happy. _At least she does, I look almost as grouchy as KK._ This picture was taken at a party, a month or so before the accident.

The accident.

Three days from now, and it would be five years.

It was a miracle within itself I didn't kill myself that first year. But something kept me alive. I had tried to my fullest ability to off myself. Three times. But it kept me alive. For what purpose, I didn't know. I didn't even know it my living was the end or just the means to an end I was unclear about, but I know something refused to let me die. Whatever it was though, wasn't kind enough to push me. For some reason it wanted me in limbo.

It wasn't fair.

_Not that life has ever been fair to me. Why would it start now?_

I brought the photo to my lips, before I laid it back under the pillow. Maybe having her so close to me in my sleep was what gave me the nightmares. Too bad, I wasn't ditching the picture. It was the only I could find of just her and me. I didn't like having my picture taken, and was always pissy about it. She and TZ had to team up to get the one I had now. AA jumped on my back, and TZ snapped the picture before I cold even react.

I was glad about that now. I wouldn't trade that picture for anything.

It was the only thing I had left of her.

_AA._

I felt my heart contract like it always did when I thought about her. The familiar pain shooting through my blood like poison, stinging with the hint on death as it pumped itself through my body.

The logical side of my admired the body's ability to kill itself with it's own chemicals, the feeling side of me told it to fuck off.

I felt the pain make a full loop through my body, and I winced, grinding my teeth together to stop from shouting from it.

I really needed that push.


	2. Chapter 2

" _Sol, you look tired." She smiled at me, her head resting on my lap. Her eyes looked even bigger than normal, a cinnamon brown, and full of fire._

_" I _am_ tired." I yawned, stroking her hair with one hand. " But that doethn't really matter, cuth I'm alwayth tired." Distractedly, I say, " Did I ever mention how much I love your hair, AA? It'th tho thoft, and thilky. But it'th altho thtrong, and thiny and bounthy. Not to mention methy."_

_" Are you making fun of me?" She giggled._

_" No, of courthe not."_

_" Yeah? Well, it seems like it, Mr. I-Can't-Pronounce-Ss."_

_" No, I jutht think your hair thuits you well. It pretty much encompatheth your whole perthonality." _

_" I'm shiny and silky?" She laughed, her eyes crinkling._

_" No, more like, thtrong, and wild. Unable to be contained." I leaned down, touching my nose to hers, and looked into her lovely eyes. " Beautiful."_

_She smiled, and I kissed her._

_" I love you, AA." _

I was jerked awake by the front door slamming. KK was probably back with groceries. Which meant good food tonight rather than ramen or toast.

" Asshat, I'm home! You here!?"

" Couch, KK. What'th for dinner?" I heard him approach the couch, and saw his face appear over me. He was a good looking guy. Brown locks, brown eyes, pale skin, good bone structure. He had his ears pierced and a tongue piercing, and he usually wore a silver stud.

" Food. No, I take that back. Fucking grass. I'm going to feed you fucking grass, with a side of French-Indonesian mud, followed by a full course meal of worms, tree bark and dog shit. For wine choices we have fresh piss, cloudy piss, and really OLD piss. Which would you fucking prefer?"

I could help but laugh.

" Fucking hell, KK. You really ought to do thtand up. You jutht come up with this thit off the top of your goddamn head!" I gigglesnorted.

He rolled his eyes.

" Nice to know someone fucking appreciates me. So what, do you want?"

" For what?"

" DIN-NER, fuckass."

" Well, I wath under the imprethion I wath getting grath and cloudy pith."

He rolled his eyes and snorted. " Whatever. Fucking weirdo, chosing the cloudy piss over the fresh piss."

" Well, ith the frethh pith therved warm?"

" Only on Wednesdays and Fridays. Which means you're shit outta luck."

" Fine, I gueth I want pizza."

Having finally gotten an answer out of me, KK pushed off from the couch and headed back into the kitchen. He was probably in a cooking kind of mood. I bet he was making the pizza by hand.

" You're the betht fucking houthewife in hithtory, KK!" I shouted towards the kitchen, grinning.

" Fuck off!" He snapped.

I chuckled, and sat up, swinging my legs off the couch. My gaming console had fallen out of my hands when I'd fallen asleep, and it was under the coffee table. My game sat in hibernation, waiting to be continued.

That dream had been strange. Well, stranger than it normally was. They were never normal.

Well, at least that one was nice. Kinda weird. But nice.

Not many of them were.

Wow, how fucking depressing.

I got off the couch and wandered into the kitchen. KK was leaned over the table, spreading the sauce on the pizza. I snorted, remembering upon the housewife thought. It was true though. If he ever hit things off with GZ, his skills in cooking, limited as though they were, and cleaning, would probably be enough to keep him alive in that haphazardly atrocious cave he calls an apartment.

" Hey, KK?"

" What is it? Kinda fucking busy."

" I thee that. Thprinkling chethe mutht be very fucking tiring. My thincirest apologieth." I rolled my eyes. " Thorry for trying to thrike up a converthation."

" What the fuck do you want to talk about, loser?"

I sighed, not because KK's tone irritated me. I was too used to his pissy persona by now. I sighed because I wasn't sure.

" Anything?" I muttered. Anything to take my mind off all this shit.

I noticed KK pause in his work, before sighing himself.

" Wanna listen to me bitch? Cuz nothing fucking else comes to mind."

I chuckled. " Thure."

I hopped up on the sink, elbows on my knees. It didn't matter what he blathered on about. Anything. Everything. Nothing. Just as long as it was distracting.

Luckily for me, KK tended to be good at that.

He went on about the pizza, of all things. The origins of pizza. The prices. The best toppings, the proper preparation. What separated good pizza from bad pizza. Then he went on to what douche muffins were working at the supermarket. How he couldn't stand rude people. How he hated small children who did nothing but beg and bitch for candy. And how he almost got ran over by some short, angry woman on her way to a meat sale. I tried to pitch in to keep the conversation moving. But really, what could I throw in but some 'ah's and some 'huh's. It wasn't like **I** got ran over by some woman on her way to a 50% off meat sale.

But in the end, it worked. KK prattled on long enough for the pizza to cook and us to eat. It was good. Smothered in honey. KK called me a fucking freak. I laughed.

In the end, he headed off to bed. And I took to the couch again, left alone with my thoughts happily distracted. My mind raced with pizza and my conversation with KK. We'd discussed heading out with friends the next day. It would be good to take my mind off things, espcially considering what the day after was.

He knew the day after tomorrow I'd want to be alone.

Settling down and switching on the PS2, I saw something flicker in my peripheral vision.

_Nope. Not looking_.

I knew what it was. It was my mind tripping again. My over active imagination playing cruel tricks on me.

But of course, I had to look. I couldn't not.

And there she was. Beautiful and frantic, like she always was when I was awake.

AA floated there, blinking in and out like a glitch. Her face was frantic, alert. Her mouth was moving, forming words that I couldn't hear. Sometimes I could make them out. This time, I couldn't. Her hands made gestures. Her beautiful face, expressions. And me, I just sat there on the couch. Deaf and dumb to whatever it was she was trying to tell me.

I hated this most of all. Of all the things I'd gotten out of the accident, the nightmares, the hallucinations, hearing her voice in its perfect clarity, these were the most unbearable.

So realisticly, she was there. Right in front of me. And I couldn't touch her. Couldn't hear her, when she had something to tell me. And she always did. And it was important. Because she always frantic, her body twitchy like it got when she was anxious, or adrenalized.

" AA," I whispered. " I.. I can't hear you."

Her mouth stopped moving. She looked like she was going to cry.

Then she disappeared.

I look back to the TV, and my game had fully loaded. But I couldn't play.

I got to my feet and went to KK's room. He was laying in bed, playing with his phone. He glanced up, confused when I came in.

" KK." I opened my mouth to tell him what had happened. But I couldn't. My mouth didn't want to work. I couldn't get the words past my lips. They buzzed around my skull, imputent little tortures, with no exit in sight, whispering and taunting. My eyes started to burn with tears. Maybe it was a good thing I couldn't speak; I might've started bawling.

" Come here." He held his arms open.

I went to KK, and he pulled me to his chest and suddenly the thoughts came out, in a fountain of emmotional splurge. I started crying. I felt like I couldn't breathe. The thoughts and memories of AA were suddenly too overpowering, and I was drowning. Like the very air around was too heavy to breathe in. Like every breath hurt.

" AA.." I sobbed into his chest.

" Shhhhhh." He held me tight, and his fingers papped on the back of my head. " Shhhhhh."

God, WHY DID THIS HAVE TO HAPPEN? It wasn't fair! It wasn't fair that I fell in love with such a perfect, irreplacable girl, right before she was ripped away from me for eternity. That her very smile, the one that used to fill me with warm fuzzies, now brought me pain. It wasn't fair that when I went to bed, I could still imagine her weight on the bed next to me. That I could still smell her hair tickling my nose. When we laid down, I stared into her brown doe eyes, and watched them as they shone with love. Those beautiful eyes now haunted my dreams. They plagued me. SHE plagued me. The worst treason of all! I never got over her! Five years later, and I'm still a mess at the very thought of her! And yet, she plagues my every thought, my every waking and sleeping thought! I can't ever get over her, because my mind is still stuck five years ago, when she died, and every day and night I'm reminded. My own mind betrays me, and brings her up and every possible chance it can thrust in her memory into my life.

I loved her so much my brain won't let me lay her to rest.

It wasn't fair my mind tormented me.

_' Ooh, looky here Sollux, remember Aradia? Remember how much you love her?'_

_' LET'S SET HER ON FIRE'_

_' LET'S DIG HER EYES OUT'_

_' LET'S WATCH HER DIE OVER, AND OVER AGAIN'_

It wasn't fair that I was constantly on edge, unsure if the little bit of good memory my dreams started as would turn into the most fantasically horrific nightmares the darkest parts of my mind could conjure up. I was a wreck. I was a nervous, shaky wreck fast spiraling down into the pits of insanity.

Because I loved her.

Because I love her.

Because she's dead. And she's never coming back. Love be damned.

Oh, god.

" Shhhhhhhhhhh." He rocked me gently, back and forth, and my sobs began to lessen. I felt like I could breathe again, if barely. I breathed in fast, hiccup wracked gasps, and my throat felt like a fist of hot clay had lodged itself there.

" It'th not fair.." I cursed, my fingers digging into his back. " It'th not fair, KK."

" Shhhh, I know, Sollux. I know. Shhhh, it'll get better one day. It will. It has to. It can't not. So shhhhhhh."

He was right. He had to be.

It couldn't stay like this forever. Probability indicated the impossibility of a constant lasting without further cause. So it had to get better.

And KK wouldn't lie to me. That's why he didn't say 'it's alright'. He said 'it'll get better'.

His heartbeat bathumped against my ear, and I closed my uncomfortably wet eyes to listen. It was soothing. It was a steady, never changing bathump. It took deep breaths while I listened, using his heartbeat to steady my nerves and breathing. And the whole while, he just held me, rocking us back and forth. For how long we stayed like that, I couldn't say. I refused to open my eyes. The chance of having another fit was too high of a risk for me to take right now.

" I'm exhauthted." I mumbled.

" Yeah." I felt KK start to scoot into a laying down position, tugging me with him. " You can sleep with me tonight."

" Ok. Thankth."

" Don't mention it, fuckass."

I smiled, settling my head against his chest, listening to his heart. KK could always bring me back to reality, no matter how far gone and emotional of a fit I was having. And he didn't even get angry, or fed up with me. I guess he pitied me because he went through a bad break too awhile back. Though, _his_ girlfriend didn't die. She cheated on him and dumped him, even though he was head over heels for her. It was still hard on him. I remember the late night crying, his need to be held, to touch, to cry and scream. He had empathy.

He was the best. Even if he tried to play the tough guy by being angry and swearing all the time. It was actually kind of cute. He deserved someone who would make him happy.

" Does GZ find your thwearing cute too, KK? Or do you have a _thpecial_ nickname for him?" I snickered.

" Shut your whore mouth. Gamzee and I aren't even.." I bet he was blushing. I could tell from how he was stuttering. And the way his heart started beating faster. " We're.. not even _anything_, yet. So keep your brothel-employed protein chute shut."

I snickered again, " You two thould definitely get together. You would make the cutetht couple."

" Yeah, right! Like me and the fucking juggalo would even get the fuck along! News flash, Lisp Central, Giggleshit and I haven't even-"

" Did you jutht call GZ 'Gigglethit'?"

I heard his jaws snap together in realization.

" KK, hate to break the newth to you, but you are tho obviouth."

" S-Shut up!"

" It'th not a bad thing. I wathn't kidding when I thaid I think you guyth would be cute together."

KK's whole body tensed up, like he was getting ready for a big fight, before he let out a giant sigh and sank back down into the mattess.

" It's too late to fight about something so fucking stupid. Just shut the fuck up and sleep."

I snickered again.

" Thankth, KK. I mean it, too."

" Because you fucking pissed me off, my services aren't free. Make me breakfast tomorrow. A good breakfast, none of that honey-on-a-poptart shit you guzzle down like fucking candy."

I snorted. " Fine."

He huffed and muttered about a few other things, utterly indignant that he and GZ were absolutely _not_ together and he was _not_ interested and there would _never_ be a them.

I just smiled and started to doze, listening to his traitorous heart race whenever he said GZ's name. You don't pick who you fall in love with. You just fall, and hope you don't regret it later.


	3. Chapter 3

_Again, here I was. Alone, but I knew I wouldn't be for long. She would be coming along any moment now. We'd talk, and I'd be so happy. And then it would end. Because no amount of happiness lasted forever. Everything ends eventually._

_Because all dreams do._

_" Hey, Sol." I turned, and watched her lithe, full body walk towards me. This is always how my dreams start, whether they were nightmares or not. I'd be alone, in a sort of dream-like bubble. There were no distinguishable landmarks or anything, just a small little space, a pocket of clear air in the swirls of colorful mist that surrounded us. The pocket was just about eight feet in diameter. _

_The dream would always start with me alone. She'd always approach me. And usually I enjoyed the small time we had together, in my dreams._

_But today I just wasn't feeling it._

_Just looking at her, her shape, her face, the familiar silhouette that belong to the girl I loved, hurt. But it would be over soon, so I'd play along so her feeling wouldn't be hurt._

Not like they would be, _I reminded myself._ She's dead_._

_" Hi, AA." I smiled at her, but she saw through me immediately. She always did._

_" What's wrong?" Her face became serious, like it did when she was worried._

_" Nothing, AA." I tried to make me smile seem more genuine._

_" Spit it out, Sol." She wasn't buying it. Her arms crossed and she struck her tell-me-the-truth-asshole pose_

_I sighed, stepping close to her. She had to look up to meet my gaze._

_She was so beautiful. So wonderful. Preserved perfectly, as she always was, in my memory. _

_I missed her so much._

_" I can't thtand thith anymore, AA." I rest my head on the crevice between her neck and shoulder, pulling her tight against me as I spoke. " Theeing you here, in my dreamth, tho alive like you uthed to be, driveth me inthane becauthe I KNOW it'th not real. I know that when I wake up, you won't be there. I won't be able to hold you, like I can now. I CAN'T. You're DEAD." I felt my breathing hitch, and I tried to calm down._

_" You're jutht a dream. And knowing that driveth me mad. I can't take much more of this, AA. THAT'TH what'th wrong with me."_

_She was quiet for a second._

_" Sol, I thought you liked seeing me here. That's why I visit. Because it's just you and me."_

_" AA, I love you. I do. You know I do. With my whole being. But you're killing me."_

_" Then I won't come anymore."_

_I pulled back and looked at her face. She was completely serious. _

_" What!?"_

_" It's time I get more serious anyway." Her eyes were lost in thought, unfocused as she was as she took a step away from me. " The energy it takes to come here is draining. Maybe if I preserve it, I can push through on the outside." She begins to wander away, talking to herself._

_" AA, what are you talking about?" I trot after her. " You're making no thense."_

_She turns on her heel, and I almost run into her. _

_" You'll see, Sol. I'm going to see you in the real world."_

_I look down at her beautifully confident face._

_" AA, you're dead." I gesture to the dream bubble around us. " Thith is all in my mind." _

_She smiles._

_" You'll think you're going crazy, Sol. You never listen to me. But it's fine. I'll break through this time. Only promise me one thing?"_

_I looked at her, crazy as she ever was in life. My memory had perfectly captchalogued that as well. _

_" Yeah?" I didn't care if this was all in my mind. I would promise this girl anything if it would make her happy._

_" Don't yell at Karkat too much. He gets worried about you a lot too. Don't stress him out too much, or he might have aneurysm." She let out a loud, happy laugh that rang out._

Her laugh still rang in my ears when I woke up.

I'd fallen asleep next to KK, but his side of the bed was empty and the sheets wrinkled. I heard the hum of the shower running in the other room. He must be getting ready for the day.

Two dreams in a row where they didn't turn to nightmares. Lucky me. Usually these days were the worst, leading up to the anniversary. The second and third year, I'd had to be strapped down to my bed to keep from throwing myself out the window. I hadn't even be conscious. KK almost didn't have the strength to tie my up, I'm lucky he did. I owe him my life. Little bastard.

Well, today promised to be a day of distractions. Which was good. Speaking of immediate distractions, my phone chimed.

I'd fallen asleep in my clothes. Guess I never changed out of them. I fished my cell from my pocket and looked at the messages.

arsenicCatnip [AC] started pestering twinArmageddons [TA]

AC: :33 good morning Sollicks! Are you ready fur this pawsitively wonderful morning? :3

TA: good morniing NP. iim a2 ready a2 ii'll ever bee.

AC: :33 *ac prepurres to pounce on her honey fuuuriend when she sees him, and he promises to sit by her at breakfast*

TA: 2ure thiing NP.

AC: x33

twinArmageddons [TA] ceased pestering arsenicCatnip [AC]

I sat up, threw my legs over the side of the bed and got to my feet. My whole body felt heavy. Fortunately, I hadn't had a nightmare. It was kinda unnerving, the frequency of which good dreams had been happening. Dreams that didn't end with my covered in sweat and/or screaming were few and far between. And last night's.. well it was still strange as fuck, probably the strangest I'd ever had, but it had been nice. This was beginning to be a habit. Habits were scary. That meant routine, comfort, that meant expectations of niceness and familiarity. I might get used to it. That was a scary thought, becoming used to something so gentle. So unfamiliar. Like remembering a secret childhood place, only to return to it later and realize the only thing special about it was the illusion of its greatness.

I sighed again, and made my way out of his room and into my own. I was taking a day off from work today, and my computers sat idly in their corner, waiting to be turned on. I snickered as I got my clothes together and went to take a shower. They'd be left waiting for my touch until tomorrow. Ehehehe.

The knob in the shower had exactly a paper clip thin line on the axle that was the perfect place between the ninth circle of hell and the center of the sun. It always took a moment to adjust the knob just right. As the water heated, I undressed, examining myself in the full length mirror.

Not to sound as if my only thoughts were self pitying pessimistic drabble, but I didn't like what stared back at me. This scrawny, underweight, too tall bag of bones. I used to like my reflection. I used to be good looking, back when I had flesh on my body. Five years of.. well.. this, really can do a number on ya.

I sighed, saw my stomach briefly bloat out enough to cover my ribs, and stepped into the shower. The slightly chilled water drenched my hair, and I closed my eyes to feel it run down my face. It was cool enough to be a relief from the steadily heating up day, and warm enough not to give me hypothermia. I quickly washed with honey oatmeal body wash, shampooed and conditioned my hair, and rinsed off, enjoying the feel of the water enveloping my body.

I heard KK bang on the door and yell that it was time to get a move on, so I turned the water off and stepped out.

The water had been to cool to fog the mirror, and I knew that if I looked up, the same ugly wreck would be looking back at me. So I didn't.

Dry and dressed, I left the bathroom and briefly stopped in my room to grab my mismatched black and white pair of converse, my 3D glasses and my wallet.

_Today is going to be a day of distractions. I needed to take things as they came, and not dwell on shit too long. Everyone knows what tomorrow is. Everyone today is going to be keeping an eye on me. I need to show them I'm not going to off myself as soon as I'm left alone again._ _So just smile and pretend you're fine, Sollux. _

Still though. I was at the very least, even though I suspected having genuine fun was impossible, try to ensure everyone else knew I was trying. The thought's what counts, right?

I snorted, hearing this pile of elephant shit slosh around in my own brain.

I quickly went to my dresser, to take my medications, threw them down dry, and went downstairs into the living room. KK was sitting on the couch, his feet thrown up on the coffee table, fucking off on his phone.

" And here I wath under the imprethion that you were waiting for me. You're not ever fucking ready, KK." I crossed my arms and glared at him.

" Fuck off, douche-canoe, I _am_ ready." I gave his no shirt, pajama bottoms and messy hair a skeptical once over.

" Uh-huh.."

He rolled his eyes.

" _I_ don't take fucking thirty minute showers. All I have to do is throw some goddamn clothes on, Bee Boy, it's not as if I'm gonna fucking-"

" Weren't we going to meet the otherth at Cafe Nomad at nine? You know, it's eight-forty-five, right?" I saw his face drop and his head snap down to look at the time on his phone. " It taketh ten minutes to fucking get there."

" SHIT!" KK sprang from the bed and ran into the kitchen, throwing himself up the stairs and into his room. I heard him get stomping around and swearing above me, and I snickered. Typical KK.

I went into the kitchen and leaned against the counter, waiting for KK to plummet back down the stairs, angry but ready to go.

grimAuxiliatrix [GA] began pestering twinArmageddons [TA]

GA: Tavros Is Bringing Along Gamzee

GA: I Asked The Others And They Dont Mind So Now Im Asking You

GA: Will You Mind Terribly If We Have An Extra Guest?

TA: fiine by me

Actually, more than fine. It was a golden opportunity to move shit along.

TA: on the condiitiion of cour2e that you arrange for KK and GZ to 2iit together.

GA: Oh What A Wonderful Idea Sollux! Just A Moment While I Message Tavros

grimAuxiliatrix [GA] paused in pestering twinArmageddons [TA]

I waited for all of ten seconds before my phone chimed.

grimAuxiliatrix [GA] continued pestering twinArmageddons [TA]

GA: When You Arrive Here Will You Be Sure To Sit Next To Nepeta? She Is Insisting That Is Where You Sit

GA: Oh Tavros Has Just Arrived

GA: Okay Were All Set Now The Only Ones Left To Arrive Are You Two

GA: The Ends Of The Booth Are Open For You Two So Once You Sit By Nepeta Karkat Will Have To Sit In The Only Other Seat Available

GA: Beside Gamzee

TA: thii2 whole thiing ii2 freakiing hiilariiou2

TA: ii can't waiit two 2ee KK'2 fuckiing face

GA: Well We Really Are Only Helping Them

GA: They Are Incompetent And Need Assistance In This Stage Of Their Relationship

TA: ju2t admiit you really want to 2tiick your no2e iin thiier busiine22.

GA: False I Simply Tire Of Waiting For The Inevitable

GA: They Clearly Will Enter A Relationship

GA: They Currently Just Need Some Assistance

TA: 2ure they do..

TA: but 2tiill, ii'm totally goiing along wiith thii2 liittle 2cheme.

TA: maybe when KK and GZ fiinally hook up KK wiill be le22..

TA: crabby

GA: Well We Can Only Hope

GA: See You Soon

TA: 2ee ya

grimAuxiliatrix [GA] ceased pestering twinArmageddons [TA]

I put my phone away as KK's cursing became louder and I heard him stomp down the stairs. He grabbed my arm and pushed us both out the door, locking it as we went. I snickered at his haste.

We took my car because we were all going to carpool in it. It had room for eight. Cuz it really wasn't a 'car', it was more of a.. monster. A yellow monster. With black stripes down the center.

What can I say? I have style.

" This fucking piece of stupidity is embarrassing as all fuck to drive in. Why don't we take my fucking car?" KK bitched as he had to jump to climb into the passenger seat.

" _Your_ car'th a piethe of thit. Mine'th the only one that can fit you, me, Nepeta, Kanaya, Equius, Tavros, Gamzee-"

" GAMZEE IS COMING!?" KK looked at me in horror.

I snickered. " The vampire and the bull helped me plot it."

" YOU SHIT-CHUGGING-!"

" -and Feferi! She'th coming too." I cackled, shouting over him, keeping my eyes on the traffic in front of me.

KK shut up unexpectedly then, so I looked over to see what was wrong, and saw him staring at me oddly.

" What ith it?"

" You know she's in love with you, right?" He said slowly.

I blinked.

So it was true. I mean, I'm not oblivious or anything. I knew she must've liked me. She was always flirting, always giving me the looks. I thought I'd been clear with her though. Everyone knew about me and AA. I told FF we weren't going to happen. And I thought she'd accepted it and moved on, cuz every other time we hung out, there was just friendly feelings. Our interactions remained purely platonic.

Or so I'd thought.

" I wath clear with her. I told her it wathn't gonna happen." I sighed softly. " Tho the'th thtill out to get me, huh?"

KK nodded, his eyes watchful on me. Probably fearful I'd start spiraling into a fit.

" It'th never going to happen. I hope thhe realithes that before I have to break her heart."

KK remained quiet and thoughtful. I knew what was going to come out of his mouth before he ever opened it.

" Sollux.." He started softly. " Do you think it's time? Haven't you mourned long enough?"

It was my turn to be silent. After all, what could I say?

**I'd been trying to get over her for five fucking years**.

Saying me and FF weren't ever going to happen wasn't my way of mourning AA. It was simply stating the truth.

If my own mind still plagued me with her, five years after her death, how was I ever supposed to 'get over her'? I probability of me just one day waking up not caring and not haunted was almost nonexistent at this point.

And besides.. " It wouldn't be fair, KK." I said, pulling into Cafe Nomad's parking lot. " The fact remainth, with my conthent or not, I'm not over her. It wouldn't be fair to FF to lead her on when I know I wouldn't be able to make her my #1. It would be too cruel." I opened the driver's door and jumped down to the tar, shutting the door behind me.

So much for distractions. Fucking KK bringing up shit like this so early in the goddamn day.

Then, in the corner of my vision, who else would appear but a brief glimpse of her fucking apparition?

I ran my fingers threw my hair, and pinched the bridge of my nose, refusing to look, ignoring it with all my will. " FUCK."

I took a three, deep calming breaths, and when I looked up, she was gone.

" You coming, taint-breath?" KK yelled from the cafe's door, and I hurried to join him, seeing the other six already inside.

They'd gotten a table, and ushered us over with smiles on their faces, Nepeta's being the most enthusiastic of all. I slid into the booth next to her, and she squealed and threw her baggy sleeved arms around me.

" Hey NP." I grinned, hugging her back. Sitting next to her was Equius, who grinned at me in greeting. We fist bumped in silent brohood. Next to him was Kanaya, Feferi, Tavros, and on the other side of the table Gamzee was scooting over to make room for Karkat. Tavros and Kanaya and I hadn't planned that out or anything. I saw him start to blush, and shoot me a death glare with the intensity of a million stars. Kan, Tav and I all exchanged knowing glances and snickered. Gamzee just smiled, friendly and oblivious as ever.

" Th'up guys?" I asked, adjusting myself and making Nepeta let go of my neck.

" Oh, you know. Waiting for you two to get here so we can eat!" Tav leaned against the table, grinning.

" Yes, we have been here for, I would say, a good twenty minutes." Equius informed me.

" Ah, well, blame KK. Fucker wathn't ready to go." All eyes immediately shot to the sharp tongued brunette, who blushed.

" It wasn't fucking me who took a thirty minute fucking shower!" KK shouted in defense. I noticed how he refused to make eye contact with GZ sitting next to him, who was chuckling.

GZ was a pretty cool dude. He was tall, with dark, tan skin and black locks of hair. He was gangly, but lean with the strong muscles that came from working in a shipyard. He had his left arm covered in tattoos relating to the ocean, the centerpiece being a sea-goat. The dude was also kind of a nut. He had this weird clown religion that as part of the worship, he painted his face in tones of white and grey. He was also a smoker, but he'd been trying to cut back. Everyone but KK knew it was because one time KK had shouted, in his oh so glamorous way of his, that GZ smelled shitty because of how much he smoked. It was so obvious they liked each other it hurt to watch them.

" Sollux took a thirty minute shower?" Tavros laughed, looking at me. " What were you doing? Having a wank?" Everyone laughed, even me.

" Maybe." I rolled my eyes, playing along. " Who knowth? Why, jealouth?" I winked, grinning. Everyone 'OOH!'ed and we all laughed.

" 'Maybe'." Tav mimicked my words, winking back.

The waiter arrived then, and we all placed our orders. KK got a cherry turnover thing, GZ, upon hearing what KK ordered, ordered a blueberry turnover thingy. Tav got an omelet with sausages and toast, Feferi got a fruit salad, Kanaya joined her in her fruity quest, as did Equius, who actually ordered toast with his. Nepeta got a sausage omelet, with extra sausage, and well, bacon, steak, ham, and all kinds of other meat on the side. I got some kind of lemon honey pastry thing they called a ' bumblebee blossom'. It was pure flaky buttery honey smothered goodness. And when that was done, some pancakes that were good drizzled in honey. Then again, I don't know of very many food that aren't good with honey.

Everyone was chattering away, figuring out seating arrangements and such, and I was genuinely surprised to find myself enjoying myself. This was great.

I joined in the conversation, which consisted of the rest of us beating down KK's claim to the front seat, so we could all shuffle him to sit with GZ. He was getting more and more pissed by the second, and GZ just sat there smiling at him. The argument got more and more heated as KK made a fool of himself trying to get his way, until GZ spoke up in a kind of wounded voice.

" Karbro, you don't wanna sit by me?" He looked down at KK, giving him the saddest look I'd ever seen, and KK went speechless.

While KK sputtered and blushed and tried to reassure GZ that it wasn't him or anything, I made eye contact with him for all of a split moment.

Those weren't the eyes of obliviousness. He was fully aware of what he was doing. KK was being seduced, and no one even suspected it.

I started coughing, loudly, and ducked my head under the table, to cover the barking laugh that came out of my throat and the tears of laughter that threatened to fall.

" Are you okay, Sollux?" I felt Nepeta's hands pat me on the back, so I bit my tongue, took a breath a delivered the Oscar-worthy line of " I'm fine. Just inhaled a crumb."

Sweet Lord, that was the funniest thing that had happened all week.

Our breakfast done, we split the check, me covering KK because of last night's promise, and we headed out to my car and piled in. We managed to get KK in the back seat next to GZ, much to his protest, and in the floundering, FF ended up in the front next to me.

" We all ready?" I asked, and hearing a chorus of 'yep's, I took off, the vehicle feeling pretty heavy, heading towards the bowling alley.

In all honesty, this was turning out pretty good. Everyone was in a good mood, well, apart from KK, but he was never in a good mood. Even I was enjoying myself.

I never thought that would happen.

_Maybe this is the end. Maybe this is the final year, the final stretch._

_Maybe I'm finally beginning to heal_.

I shook my head, shaking out those thoughts. It was better to assume this was just a freaky mishap in my usual routine than to think my whole world was shifting again. I might start to hope for something, and that was risky. Better safe than sorry in terms of mental health. Which reminded me, I needed to make a doctor's appointment to have them reevaluate my meds since the hallucinations were not only not gone, but fucking with my nightmares by turning them into non-nightmares. Then again, maybe I should wait until things were back to normal, and I was having nightmares. These last few nights had been too strange.

Still though. While the nightmare were horrific, at least I knew they were nightmares and not real.

These new dreams.. they made me start to question things. Like why wasn't I having nightmares? Why was AA acting so much like she did when she was alive? What if what she'd been saying in my dreams had a basis in reality?

Questioning things could be dangerous.


	4. Chapter 4

_I opened my eyes to the familiar sight of pale yellows and shimmering pinks, and glanced around, thinking about the last time I was here, of what was said. It was odd, but no doubt she'd forgotten by now. And I wasn't going to bring it up again. I'd upset her enough last time. This time, I'd just make her smile, make her happy._

_All of a sudden I realized she wasn't there. I glanced around, wondering where she could be, and my heart jumped into my throat._

_She wasn't here._

_" AA?" The dream bubble around me was empty. She was no where to be seen admits the swirling colors of yellows and pinks. I was alone, and my voice echoed as it always did in dreams._

_" AA!?" I shout louder, fighting the growing sense of panic in my chest._

_Where was she? She was never not here. She couldn't not be here now. There had never been a time she hadn't come walking out of the swirls towards me, her gait light. And now, not a whisper. Not a breath. Just me, alone in the fog._

_The sense of total isolation was terrifying._

_Oh god._

_Where was she?_

_" AA!" I shouted, running into the fog My heart felt like it was mosh pitting against my chest, and I couldn't stop my panic._

_She was never not here! Where could she be!?_

I woke up in a start, my eyes wide and uncomfortably sweaty. I felt my clothes sticking to my body, and sat up straight from.. where was I?

I glanced around, trying to make sense of where I was. I was sitting at a picnic table, my head had been resting in my arms. I remembered then that we'd all come here for a barbeque, and I'd been tired, like how I usually was with my out of whack sleeping schedule. Guess I'd dozed off.

I sat up, feeling my bones creek, and stretched my arms out in front of my, wincing at the stiff pain. The park we'd come to was nice. Trees and fountains every once and awhile, and enough trees to give the allusion that you'd escaped the city. We'd picked a quaint little spot in the middle of a grove, for relative privacy, with two picnic tables surrounding a barbeque pit. Who a certain familiar face was leaning over, back towards me.

" Hey, Equius." I glanced around, seeing all the others were missing. The descendent of the Cherokee glanced back at me, his hoodie pulled up over his long black hair, despite the warm sunshine.

" Yes?"

" Where're all the otherth?" I yawned.

Equius stood up from where he'd been tending the flames and the hot dogs, and joined me at the table, putting his hood down. His broken, beloved sunglasses rested on the bridge of his long, straight nose.

" I believe they're playing some frisbee over there." He pointed to behind me, and I turned to see them all spread out a good length, and Nepeta jumping up high to catch a bright blue disk. I grinned at her cat like reflexes.

" Nep'th good." I said, turning back to Equius.

He smiled, " Yes. It will never cease to astonish me how _strong_ her small body is." He emphasized the word strong a bit too strongly.

We watched Nep toss it to Kanaya, and she to Fef, who seemed to see us both watching, and waved energetically. I waved back without thinking, and saw her smile burst. _Whoops_. I watched her excuse herself and come trotting back to the table, and I turned around in my seat, watching Equius get up to turn the food, politely excusing himself from the conversation he knew was going to go down.

_Maybe I shouldn't have done that. _I think as Fef's footsteps approach._ I can't keep encouraging her by accident._

" Hey, sleepyhead!" I watched her sit down beside me, her pink skirt rustling and her bright eyes beaming. " How was your nap?"

" Oh, normal I gueth." I shrug, turning my legs around and sitting facing the frisbee game, leaning my elbows back against the table. It was easier to escape if need be like this. " You know, thucky."

She giggled, and lightly punched me in the arm.

" Well, you didn't let out a single peep, so we all assumed it was a restful sleep."

I glanced at her over the rims of my glasses.

Not a single peep? As in, I was completely quiet?

The last time I hadn't at least groaned and panted in terror whilst sleeping had been.. before the accident. This new found information only added to the steadily growing theory I was trying to suppress.

Maybe I really was healing.

I shake my head to dispel such thoughts.

" Yeah, mutht've been rethtful.." I muse, running my fingers through my hair. I toss her an apologetic smile. " I'll have to apologithe to Kanaya for falling athleep during her trip. My thleeping thchedule hathn't been the betht lately." I say by means of explanation. Not that she didn't know that. Not that anyone didn't know that.

Her happy smile deflated into a sadder one. " I'm sure she won't mind, Sol." She paused, and I could tell she was thinking of what to say. " I can't even imagine how hard it must be for you." She said softly. Cautiously, as if she was trying not to hurt my feelings.

I really needed to stop making people uncomfortable with this shit. I sighed.

" Yeah, you can't." I looked back at her. " But let'th drop the thubject. I'm thtarved." I paste a cheerful grin on my face and stand up, heading over the the fire and Equius' hunched over back. Anything to leave behind that conversation.

" Hot dogth done?"

He glances up at me, his expression unreadable as it usually is when he's trying to be politely unaware. " Yes. The chicken and hamburgers will be as well very soon."

" Thweet." I grab a paper plate from the table without glancing at Fef, and loaded it with meat before setting it at my seat. I turned around to face where the others were still playing frisbee, and shouted as loud as I could, " FOOD'TH DONE!" They all paused, and started coming back. Satisfied, I returned to my seat and started eating, waiting for all my friends to fill in the table around me and lose myself in their meaningless chatter.

All in all, this wasn't that bad. This pretending shit.

Maybe I could keep this up long enough for me to not need to pretend anymore. That was all I wanted anymore. My dreams and ambitions had sunk so low since the accident. I had wanted to go to Yale, maybe Harvard. My computer skills had gotten me accepted. I'd applied just for the hell of it, after I'd graduated two years ago. Before AA's death, it had been my plan to go, graduate, and rub it everyone's faces afterwords, because in all actuality, with my skills being what they were, there was no need for me to get a degree. I was making buckets barely working now, so the schooling would've been mostly for show and shits and giggles anyway. My dream after that..

_No. Stop. We can't go there, no here, not now!_

I pressed my hand to my eyes, fighting down the attack.

_Stupid, stupid, stupid fucking asshole! Now? Of all places, NOW is when you let your thoughts go down that road? Stupid fucking moron!_

" Sollux, are you okay?" I glanced up at Equius' softly concerned mutter, grateful for the noise of his voice, the distraction that gave me something to focus on. I glanced around, and noticed Kanaya noticing me, but the others seemed oblivious. I nodded at Equius, thankful for his discretion, and tried to force out a friendly smile.

" Fine. Jutht tired." Normal reply. Equius nodded, knowing me well enough to know what had really happened. He, like everyone else in my close friends circle, got me pretty well. Or, at least understood and sympathized. Which, compared to the rest of the world that took one look at my case and deemed me totally off the chart bat shit crazy, was a big thing.

I took a deep, slow, extra quiet breath, and let all my thoughts go. I stopped the trembling in my hands, and looked back to my plate, and began shoving food in my mouth. It didn't matter that I didn't taste it.

Kanaya actually looked pretty worried, and I could see her trying to think of a way to call off the get together, or at least, think of a better distraction for me. Good old Kanaya.

Fef started chatting my ear off again, and I tried to immerse myself in her bubbling persona and let her natural radiant vibes sink deep into my psyche, but something caught my eye, a small dark movement in the bushes. Nodding along to whatever it was she was saying, I turned my attention to the movement.

I recognized the back of GZ's hoodie. I also recognized that mass of chocolate brown locks by GZ's shoulder. I also, in my infinite wisdom, recognized what KK's arms wrapped around GZ's shoulders, so that his fingers were roughly tangled in his hair and yanking his face down to his own meant.

I glanced away, making sure no one followed my brief gaze, and put on a poker face as FF blathered on about her swimming routine or was it her jewelry collection she inherited from her great grandmother..? I'd lost rack long ago.

So KK was getting some. Or at least, would be soon. _My ass_ he and 'Giggleshit' weren't anything to each other. I was gonna bust his balls about this later. This was too perfect of an opportunity to pass up. Though, I had to hand in to clown boy. Whatever seduction techniques he had played, it had obviously worked. And everyone thought he was always so ignorant. Wouldn't they be surprised that the shipyard juggalo had game.

Refraining from snorting, I finished eating and got up to toss my plate in a trash can. I wondered if they'd boned yet. Bet KK would be in a much better mood if they had, so probably not.

I sat down next to Fef again, as GZ emerged from the woods, alone, calm as could be. Obviously KK needed to compose himself before coming out so he could act like nothing happened. The two were trying to play it sneaky for now. Ah, well. Let them have their fun. It would give me fodder for blackmail.

Kanaya spoke up then, pointing out the time, and reminding us that Tavros had to work in two hours. Tav flushed and apologized, and we all said it was fine, before packing up the food and trash and packing back into my yellow beast of a stylish car.

I took the driver's seat again, noting absentmindedly that Fef slid in next to me. I watched the road carefully as I drove, zoning out on the conversations that happened around me, only grunting when my name was mentioned. I pulled into the parking lot of Cafe Nomad, where they had all left their cars.

" So, Sol, what do you think?" I snapped back to the present to see the FF had just asked me something, and from the sound of her voice, it was a yes she was expecting.

" Thure." Shit, I said that automatically. Her eyes lit up, and I saw KK and Kanaya look at me in shock, pausing on the sidewalk as they got out of the car. Wait, what had I just agreed to?

" So, I'll meet you there!" She sang, prancing away. I watched her go, the bounce of her long black hair matching the swish on the swaying fabric around her hips. I sat there dumbly as Equius and Nepeta took off together, and Gamzee sauntered down the sidewalk, all of then shouting goodbye, and Tavros waited on the sidewalk for Kanaya, who had made her way to my window. I glanced at Kanaya in confusion.

Kanaya sighed in exasperation. " I did not think you were aware of the circumstance when you answered, and I was proven correct in my assumption. Feferi asked you to accompany her to a party her mother is hosting this Saturday evening, at seven. It is a formal event, and being the heir to the Peixes fortune, she is assumed to have a date for the evening. She requested that position of you, and you, in your woolgathering, agreed to the occasison."

" Are you telling me that I jutht accidently athked her out on a date?"

" In a manner of speaking, yes. Although, she asked you, but in the end, it hardly matters."

" FUCK." I slammed my head against the steering wheel, once, twice. " How thupid can I be? I'd been trying tho hard not to get her hopeth up, and now I've gone and done _thith_." I felt like such trash.

" Yes, bit does indeed seem to be a predicment. I do wonder what will come of this." I glanced up at her, my forehead still on the steering wheel.

" Why can't thhe jutht return ED'th feelingth? I'm an aththhole, he'th an aththhole, it'th perfect!" And it would make things so much easier, not having to decline her flirts and invitations all the time, and not having her close, friendzoned bestie loathe me to the point of hell for it.

" On those same lines, one can ask why you cannot just return her feelings. It is the same, painfully simple answer of: you simply do not feel the same way." Kanaya reached out and patted my head, her touch affectionate like that of a sister.

" I thuppothe." I grumbled under her soft touch. " I'll do it. I thaid I would. I don't want to leave her in thuch a tight thpot." That would be a real dickish move. " I'll thuffer through it."

Kanaya chuckled, giving my head a rough but gentle noogie. " It will not be all bad! At the very least you will be able to think of it as expanding your 'business'. Those kind of people are always looking for the cheapest kind of protection, or the most advanced they can buy. Surely you can sell yourself as either, hm Sollux?" I gazed at her smile in awe.

" Kanaya, you never told me you were a geniuth." She laughed, and pulled away to adjust her purse.

" Well, I'm glad there is a silver lining to your stupid blunder asshole." I glanced at the passenger seat, and saw KK sitting there with his usual glare. I'd almost forgotten he was here. Before I could talk, Kanaya spoke up.

" As am I, Sollux. Please inform me if anything.." she trailed off, searching for the proper word, " ..interesting happens." I watched her green eyes twinkle with mischief, and before I could say anything, she had walked back to Tavros, and they headed to their own car.

That little diva was expecting shit to happen. Fuck.

I started the car and pulled into reverse, slowly ebbing into traffic.

" Well, that was a blast, wasn't it asswipe?" KK shot me a grin, and I knew he was trying to jab at me for the Fef thing. Too bad I had the upper hand.

" Thure it wath a blatht. I mean, hanging out with friendth and all. What wathn't there to enjoy?" I cast him a giant sideways grin. " But I don't think I enjoyed our time with friendth quite ath much ath you did." I saw a furious blush immediately saturate his face, and I burst out laughing. " Oh, man! Did you even know how hard he wath theducing you that entire time, or were you ath fooled ath everyone elthe?" I had tears in my eyes.

KK sputtered, his voice seemingly lost until he started shouting, " NO I WASN'T SEDUCED ASSHOLE, WHY WOULD YOU EVEN THINK THAT I CAN'T BELIEVE HOW STUPID YOU ARE! DO YOU EVEN KNOW A THING ABOUT GAMZEE!?" All the while I couldn't stop laughing. His red, unbelieving and mortified that he'd been caught face was the funniest thing in the world.

" You're tho dumb, KK! That clown hath thome of the betht technique I ever laid eyeth on! He had everyone fooled!" It was the first time in a long time I'd laughed until I couldn't breathe. My lungs and belly weren't used to the motions, and I found myself gasping and my eyes tearing up.

KK swore and me, letting lose a stream of colorful words that would make any sailor proud. I ignored him, in too good of a mood to let his bitchiness bother me. This was good material for weeks to come. Like KK could ever playing any love games smoothly, he always tripped up and I always found out his secrets. It was funny that way.

We pulled into our driveway and climbed out, KK still cursing under his breath as he unlocked the front door and led us into our house. The familiar smell of home held many mixed emotions for me. It was familiar, but it also held a variety of both good and bad memories. But it was home, and I wouldn't want any other. Unless it was a mansion. I'd always want a mansion.

We kicked off our shoes, and I followed KK into the living room, watching him as he dropped his body onto the couch. Social outings always exhausted the small man. He flicked on the TV to some stupid afternoon show, and I left to find my meds and take my noon dosage. I'd left them on my nightstand.

I tromped up the stairs and opened my bedroom door to the familiar sound of humming monitors. I did a quick ten second check to see everything running smoothly, and then pulled my tired body onto my bed, letting my feet and mind relax. For the first time since this morning I hadn't had to be cheerful. Or at least, as cheerful as I ever was. It felt nice not to have to smile and act interested, though the situation with KK had been legitimately amusing. I smiled, remembering my laughter on his behalf. Absentmindedly I stretched on arm out to grab the familiar orange cylinder from beside my alarm clock.. and found my fingers come up empty.

I opened my eyes, and saw that my fingers hadn't lied; my pill bottles were missing, all three of them.

I glanced beneath the bed, and around the floor. Nothing. Feeling my panic steadily rise, I started tossing shit out of the way, searching, and still nothing. My pills weren't in my room.

I sped down the stairs, and flew into the living room, meeting a startled KK's gaze intently.

" KK, have you seen my meds?" I asked urgently. His eyes widened, instantly knowing.

" Yeah, on your nightstand. They're not there now." He stated. I shook my head, feeling my panic rise exponentially. My pills never left my room. KK never touched them.

" Think someone broke in?" KK asked, standing up and coming over to me.

" To do what?" I snapped, " Leave the 1000 dollar TV and 600 dollar gaming system to just take my drugs? Do you know how much crack you can buy will 1600 dollars! He wouldn't just still my meds!" I was so pissed, and knew I was taking it out on KK, but I didn't care. _He_ wouldn't have to experience the nightmares that awaited me tonight.

" Calm down asshole, it's not like _I_ took your meds!" He shouted back at me.

I snapped, his anger making mine even worse. I turned around and punch the wall with all my strength, leaving a mini crater. The pain in my knuckles took my mind off this.

" Jesus fuck, you fucking fucktard!" KK yanked me by the collar and threw me onto the couch. " Relax you stupid bitch, we'll find them! You don't need to destroy the fucking house to prove a fucking point! I get it: you're ANGRY. Consider your message delievered, ball-breath!" KK let out a disgusted sound as he examined the hole in the wall. " This is gonna come right out of our own wallets, ya know!"

I couldn't care less.

I pulled my knees to my chest, already shaking with fear. KK didn't even know what happened to me without those pills. The things I saw behind my eyelids were that of horror movies and legends. The things I heard were from torture chambers. No one knew the full extent of what I saw but me.

One time that stands out in particular is when I saw fifteen, the year AA and I started dating. We'd been dating about half a year when we'd made love the first time. It had been everything I'd always wanted, soft, passionate, incredibly intimate. I knew she was the one for me, and to have her like that, to give myself to her like that had been all I could ever hope for. The memory of her flawless sun-kissed skin spread out before me, the soft pink that graced her cheeks and the playful, romantic gleam in her eyes, the feeling of our bodies moving as one would be forever burned into my memory. It was one of my happiest memories.

It was my worst nightmare. The love of the scene, the vulnerability and intimacy that made the scene so perfect was so twisted against me that it made me vomit to think about. In my most vulnerable state, to have her suddenly ripped from me, torn limb by limb and unable to do anything about it.. was the worst thing I could imagine. Watching in such vivid detail as her bones snapped and her sinews tore as her arms and legs were ripped off her torso, hearing her agonizing screams.. her begging through her tear soaked cries for me to save her, and being unable to, no matter how much I tried.. I couldn't bear it. It was sickening. It made me ill. And this was a reoccurring dream too, to top it all off.

Not to mention _tomorrow_ was the anniversary. Undrugged dreams tonight would probably be enough for me to put _myself_ in a ward.

KK had no idea this kind of night that awaited me if I missed a dosage.

" Sollux?" I heard KK's hesitant voice over me, from where I was curled into the couch cushions. Had he been talking to me? He spoke again, his voice more urgent and panicked. "Sollux, hey! Hey, it's okay! Shh, it's okay!" I felt KK pick me up and pull me into his lap, rocking me back and forth like a child. " Shh, please don't cry! I'll go to the pharmacy, and see if they can do anything, alright? Shh, please don't cry!" I was crying? So those pathetic sobs and wet sounding words were coming from my own mouth. Huh. No wonder I couldn't breathe. My face felt sticky too, come to think of it.

KK rocked me back and forth, my face buried against his chest and my arms hanging limp at my sides as he rubbed circles on my back. Good old KK. At least he tried. It was good just to have someone hold me. Someone try to comfort me. Regardless of if it worked.

I could guarantee KK wasn't going to get much sleep tonight.

" Hey, you have your phone, right? I'm going to the pharmacy right now. Call me if something happens." I felt KK lower me down to the couch again, panic in his voice. I must've calmed down enough for him to feel comfortable leaving me for a little while. I however, had no plans of moving from this fucking couch. Already I could hear faint whispers that I knew weren't really there. The last thing I needed was to open my eyes and see something too.

" KK." I said, hoping he'd hear me from where my face was pressed against the cushions. I hard him whip around and come back to me to listen.

" Yeah?"

I hesitated, not wanting to scare him with what I was about to say.

" You might want to get some arm and leg restraints." I hoped he knew what I meant without me having to explain. I felt him swallow nervously before turning to head out. " KK." I said again, and again felt him stop to listen.

" You might want to hurry."


End file.
